I Was On The Search For Something True

2 May

I was almost there when I found you.
Sooner then my fate was wrote
A perfect blade it slit my throat
and beads of lust released into the air.
When I awoke, you were standing there. 

I’ve been trying to keep my brain in writing mode, although it’s been harder and harder lately with more things to think about daily. Work is about to get crazy with two restaurants to work in. Wedding things pop into my brain 24/7 even though I’m feeling like maybe there actually isn’t that much work to do. I’m probably kidding myself on that one hey?

I was on the mend when I fell through.
The sky around was anything but blue.
I found as I regained my feet
A wound across my memory
That no amount of stitches would repair.
But I awoke and you were standing there.

I always manage to read so much more here then I do at home despite having not even a quarter of the time to do so. I think it’s the lack of internet access at all times. Keeps my brain more focused on things. I’ve been averaging five books a week. At first I thought I was exaggerating my own numbers but nope- I’m just really focusing in and reading. It feels good for my mind for sure.

There’s no fortune at the end of the road that has no end.
There’s no returning to the spoils 
Once you’ve spoiled the thought of them.
There’s no falling back asleep 
Once you’ve wakened from the dream
Now I’m rested and I’m ready,
I’m rested and I’m ready to begin.
I’m ready to begin.

Colin and I seem to be more and more comfortable with ourselves and each other every day. We sit together and do nothing sometimes and those are my favorite moments of the day. I love sitting with him and reading while he conquers the latest Zelda game. The dorky moments are the most relaxing moments and the memorable ones too!

I went on the search for something real.
Traded what I know for how I feel.
But the ceiling and the walls collapsed
Upon the darkness I was trapped
And as the last of breath was drawn from me
The light broke in and brought me to my feet.

The only real wedding thing that has been making me a little crazy is where exactly I’ll be getting married. Ceremony wise. I’m thinking that it will be small, and only the really close people will be there, so maybe I can get away with a 25 person permit and have a sweet little ceremony on the lake with two incredible mountains in the background. That would honestly be the most ideal. Big party, small ceremony- things would be great if it worked out that way!

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I’ve been having this overwhelming feeling like I just want it to be September already! I just want to get this day here so it can happen. I guess I’m in pins and needles just waiting to marry my guy and have the next chapter in my life begin!

There’s no fortune at the end of the road that has no end.
There’s no returning to the spoils
Once you’ve spoiled the thought of them.
There’s no falling back asleep 
Once you’ve wakened from the dream.
Now I’m rested and I’m ready
I’m rested and I’m ready
Yeah I’m rested and I’m ready
I’m rested and I’m ready
Yeah I’m rested and I’m ready
I’m rested and I’m ready
To begin
I’m ready to begin

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I Don’t Care, I Love It. I Don’t Care

25 Apr

I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone.
I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn.
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs.
I crashed my car into the bridge.
I don’t care, I love it. I don’t care.

Well it’s been awhile! I’ve moved out west again, I’m working hard, sometimes hardly working. Life is different here. I’m able to be so much more self sufficient  but then there’s also all these people around me that want to be helpful and positive.  It’s this incredible mix of good things. So many good things!  This year is shaping up to be something special, with work, the wedding, friends, moving out here more permanently. Everything is seeming solid underneath my feet again.

You’re on a different road, I’m in the milky way
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space
You’re so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch
You’re from the 70′s, but I’m a 90′s bitch

Wedding plans are chugging along smoothly, plans to get our dog out here and even rent a little house somewhere are in the works. It would be nice to have a place of our own again!

I don’t care, I love it.
I don’t care, I love it, I love it.
I don’t care, I love it. I don’t care.

Everyday I feel thankful that a little over three years ago I woke up out of the life I was living and decided it wasn’t okay and it wasn’t good enough. No more of that relationship that was nothing but negative, that life that was sucking my down every day further and further into negativity and unhappiness.

You’re on a different road, I’m in the milky way
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space
You’re so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch
You’re from the 70′s, but I’m a 90′s bitch

Now I have this life that feels full and so much more complete. I feel like I’m actually productive, my brain is clear. I’m surrounded by interesting people who only really want to be happy and helpful to everyone around them. I spend my days feeding people and really- what could be more satisfying then that? I have a sweet fiance and soon I will be married. I am lucky and I am loved. Life is good.

I don’t care, I love it.
I don’t care, I love it, I love it.
I don’t care, I love it.
I don’t care, I love it, I love it.
I don’t care.
I love it.

Your Love Comes And Goes Like Wild West Rain – Jadea Kelly

27 Feb

.. I know it’s hard, you’ve gotta know. Pain teaches your heart to grow. I know it’s hard you gotta see it’s all I can do to breathe. 

Jadea Kelly- Wild West Rain 

One of our favorite musical finds of 2012  Jadea Kelly has made the top 20 list for the Toronto (here and now) area in the CBC SearchLight Competition ! There are only a few more days to vote and really- if you haven’t heard this lovely lady sing yet, check her out and you’ll know right away how much she deserves this one! Her  album Eastbound Platform puts me over the moon and I am on the edge of my seat for her release of Clover this spring!

Jadea is lovely and beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful and kind. She was a joy to see perform live at Twin Butte General Store  with Greg Cockerill one of our favorites at the store. Her voice had the hairs on my arms standing on end the entire night- I’m only sorry more people weren’t there to see it- although I admit I love a quiet night when I can really get into the music!  She’s incredible generous and we’re honored she’s allowed us to use one of her songs in a little wedding project we’re working on!

Not only is her solo work amazing she’s also collaborated with  Protest The Hero!

And lest I forget one of the best things about her( not really but it’s pretty awesome!) She’s got amazing t-shirts! This t-shirt has gotten more comments and thumbs up than any other band t-shirt my fella wore during our cross Canada adventure and it’s my personal favorite!

Who doesn’t want to wear this piece of awesome!?!

” One of the shining jewels in the crown of Canadian songwriters. Her sound is pure Canadiana, that is, elements of prairie country, big city soul, and the sense to take just a little bit of both. In short, the more Jadea Kelly Canada can hear – the better” – Tom Power CBC

So really- if you haven’t already, please follow this link and support Jadea Kelly, not only because she’s an amazing artist, but because she’s got the best t-shirts around !  

Jadea Kelly- Wild West Rain- CBC Searchlight Competition 

It’s a hard hard line, that we cross from time to time. It’s a thin divide, hold me down while the dark subsides. 

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To This Day by Shane Koyczan

20 Feb

To This Day from To This Day on Vimeo.

When I was younger I wasn’t typical. I was terrified of interacting with people, even family members. Painfully shy. I was no stranger to picking my nose even though it never occurred to me that other people might observe that and think twice about it. I didn’t always have the right clothes. We moved a lot. I changed schools countless times. I read books at recess and set alone or with the other quiet girl who read at recess, not exchanging many words. I wasn’t as well off as the people I went to school with. I think for most of us, this list could grow and grow, expand exponentially without much effort. I wasn’t bullied the way some others in my class were bullied, but I was picked on and generally judged and never accepted by my peers.

I remember this feeling of wanting more than anything more than a new bike, more than the best possible toy/gift any one could have given me at that time- I just wanted more than anything to be accepted by these people I was surrounded by every single day. They had money and big houses. Our house didn’t have full walls and the walls we did have were just drywall. How could I measure up?

There came a day when there was a small glimmer of hope! The most adored boy and girl in my class were going to let me play four square with them. It came with strings though. Strings I didn’t think twice about then, but I have thought about all the rest of my life.

“Why does your sister wear her socks pulled up to her knees?” they laughed and asked me. It felt familiar. The same tone they’d used towards me during my career at this school was being used about someone else- and I was in on the joke! Everyone makes fun of their younger siblings. It’s what we do! “Go ask her! Go ask her why? We’ll wait here! Go, Go!”

It wasn’t life changing. It wasn’t a terrible question, I wasn’t calling her fat, or ugly, or telling her she was stupid. Or calling her poor. I didn’t think it was a big deal. So I walked up to her, waited until they fell into place behind me. A small crowd gathered. And then I asked her.

“Why do you wear your socks pulled up to your knees?” I muttered. She just looked at me like she couldn’t figure out what I was going on about.  My new friends giggled and poked each other whispering.

“Why do you wear your socks pulled up to your knees like that? They’re not knee socks, why do you do that?” I asked her louder. My new friends laughed out loud.  She looked at me, her eyes changed, it was like I saw her thinking about her socks for the first time.

” I don’t know.” She said quietly. And then she walked away.

It turns out, I didn’t like playing four-square. There was a reason I didn’t play before, I’m uncoordinated and they all just made fun of me the entire game. My new “friends” lasted all of a week until it wasn’t funny to hang out with me anymore. I went back to being quiet, reading at recess and eating my snack on the side of the school. Life didn’t change in any positive way for me.

But I remember that moment. I remember it when I think about my sister, and how all her life she’s struggled, like I did on that day, to make friends. How she’s settled for anything, and how anything has led to terrible trouble, abusive relationships and low self-esteem. How the hurtful things that people say and do lead to terrible side effects. Drugs, self loathing. I think back on that day and I see that cycle and I hate that I was a part of it even for one single moment, on one solitary day.

To This Day by Shane Koyczan is one of the most powerful pieces of animation and spoken word I have ever experienced. We all know this cycle. We’ve all been a part of it. We’ve all been on one side or the other, we’ve been both the bully and the bullied.

Earlier this year, Koyczan put a call-out to artists to animate “To This Day.” a poem he wrote that tackles bullying head on. Each artist contributed 20-second clips and the contributions were stitched together into this seven-minute work. The result is this breathtakingly beautiful animation that explores living with bullying, depression and abuse.

As students, teachers, parents, human beings, we should all watch this video and we should all learn from it. We’ve all been there.

http://www.bullying.org/

http://www.giantant.ca/

Kids Help Phone – 1-800-668-6868

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She Got Love In Her Bones – Cam Penner

10 Feb

…fire in her hips, she shake it to the right, then to the left. I wander over, to get to know her, her lips taste like gin her skin like summer. 


Throw Your Hands Up- Cam Penner 

 I’m writing this in the middle of a snowstorm. There’s wild winds out there, I can hear the whistle through the exhaust fan in the kitchen. I can hear it sneaking in through the hinges on the door. The snow is piling up on the mat inside my door. My dog shook himself off and it looks like it’s snowing inside as well as outside. The floors I washed this morning are now wet and covered in doggie paw prints.

This song is summer though, so it’s on repeat in my little cold apartment on the east coast of Newfoundland. I may be physically in the middle of a snow squall but mentally- I’m in Twin Butte. I’ve been sitting in the sun all day drinking margaritas and sampling some tasty snacks. I’ve been dancing in the bubbles and running around in sparkly fairy wings.

Throw Your Hands Up, It’s Time To Get Up, Throw Your Hands Up, To The Sky

 It’s dusk and the sun is receding, so I’ve got a sweater now but my body stays hot for days! My hair smells like grass and smoke from the BBQ and my skin smells like heat and sunscreen. It’s time for the best part of the day.

This song is playing and my eyes are closed and I couldn’t tell you what I’m thinking because all I know is I’m smiling and this is the best day.

Maybe my body is in my little apartment in the middle of the winter with snow piling down around us, but my mind- well my mind is in Twin Butte, it’s Soulfest and I’m having the best time.

So just close your eyes, smell the grass and taste the summer-

We Close Our Eyes Shut, Start To Drift Off, Our Dreams They Carry Us, Into The Night 

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Get In The Truck

12 Jan

My favorite new song of 2012- Get In The Truck by Cowpuncher !


Well, it’s a new year! A good number of people have been putting out there that 2012 was their worst year yet and they were ready to be rid of it. Personally I loved so many aspects of the past year that they outweigh the negatives. There were a good number of those as well though. Here’s a list of the best and worst things that happened for me in 2012!

Best Of 2012

      • Working at The General Store and all the wonderful people I got to meet there. Working at Twin Butte brought a whole lot of positives to my life. I got to work with my fella, and this time on a more equal footing. It really solidified that we could have a business together in the future and we wouldn’t kill each other in the process.
      • I learned that I am no slob in the kitchen, I can cook on my own and I’m organized. I learned I love it and I want to do it in the future.
      • I met so many amazing new friends. Locals, musicians, tourists. I met incredible people and I can’t express how great that was.
      • We bought our jeep! First giant purchase together. I love that darn jeep and even though we could probably sell it tomorrow for more then we paid, it’s staying with us.
      • We drove across the country together! Not all of that was fun, but doing it together made it work out just fine. Now we just have to hit up British Columbia this year so we can say we’ve gone from coast to coast!
      • Sippin’ Whiskey played a sold out show at The Opera House. It’s been a long time since I got to sing to a room that big full of that many people.
      • We set a wedding date! We set a date in a place we love the most and we believe that will bring out the people we love the most. I feel incredibly lucky.
      • I heard some of the most incredible music our country has to offer. I saw Sarah Slean with the Nova Scotia Symphony Orchestra.

        Carolyn Mark,  NQ Arbuckle,

  • I discovered a love for Cowpuncher- and now they’re playing at my wedding. I feel way too lucky in the music department of my life. And that’s a pretty huge chunk of my time.

Worst Of 2012 

  • We had a lot of death happen in our families. We lost a grandparent on each side, and a family member of mine was murdered. Life doesn’t properly prepare a person for that. I hadn’t seen him in many years but it was horrific. I still can’t imagine what it was like for his close family members. 
  • Colin got a wacky cyst on his tailbone that caused a whole lot of pain. He’s on a list to get it removed though, so there’s a light at the end of that tunnel.
  • Our friend Mike left out west in a flurry of anger and hurt and things were bad there for awhile. It was a mess all around!
  • Sippin’ Whiskey out west was no more! Without Mike, we’re more like Sipping Nothing.
  • My mother got really sick and had to be in the hospital for quite some time and I wasn’t able to be there. It’s really, really difficult to settle your mind when the people you love are in pain or suffering and you can’t be a part of the process.
  • There was a bit of a blow out between myself and an extended family member. I don’t know what I feel about that one- if I could go backwards I’d probably change very little. One sentence in a very large message. Just one. I think it was bound to happen eventually.

So there we are- the best and the worst of 2012 for me. Even when I look at the hugeness of the things on the worst list, it’s the good things that are sticking with me. I had a giant year. I learned so much, I loved so many moments of it. I grew up a bit, but I also loosened up a little too. That was really needed for sure!

So to those of you out there reading this- I’m sorry if 2012 was your worst year yet, but maybe it wasn’t really! The hits just kept coming but you got through them- and you’re alive at the end of it all.

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2012 In Review- WordPress.com stats!

31 Dec

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,800 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

I had to share this- it’s too cute to keep to myself. Not a bad year considering how little I was able to post and spread the word about the blog.  Thanks to all who checked in during 2012!

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